Friday, April 1, 2011

Seeing the Light


I find myself in the interesting position today of trying to write myself into a state of more complete grace and willingness. Easter is just around the corner, and I am needing to remind myself of what that means or should mean in my life. As I've told you before, I am nothing if not impatient, and the Lord is tutoring me of late in a way that I find distinctly uncomfortable. I'm sorry to say that the lesson He is teaching is one that I already know in my head, but apparently it hasn't found its way to my heart yet...or at least, it hasn't made a permanent home there. I guess I'm a slow learner (and an insufficiently humble one).

I won't go into detail on the things that are bothering me because they belong to my children. Frankly, I'm a much better learner when the struggles or disappointments belong to me. In fact, when it comes to my own life, I have learned much about trusting in the Lord with all my heart and leaning not unto my own understanding. I am almost good at it. Why, then, can't I seem to master this truth when it comes to my children? Instead, I am making myself miserable stewing over specific desires for their happiness that are not as yet fulfilled.

I fully realize that my offspring (and their parents) are blessed beyond most people's comprehension: our family is a close and loving one; we are mostly healthy and reasonably happy; we want for very little materially; we live in a free country; we have not been hit by natural or other disaster...and yet the gratitude that should be an integral part of my everyday consciousness is too often lost in the shuffle of my recent and recalcitrant coveting of particular blessings for my children. Please understand, these are not worldly or superficial blessings I am praying for...They are important, soul-changing and life-enhancing ones, but they are the Lord's to give, not mine, and I am (to be honest) critical of His time table...or at least, my heart is. My head is well aware that He knows better than I what blessings are needed and when, but my heart wants those blessings now, this minute, without delay.

I want to let go of my well-meaning but uninformed agenda...to remind myself that I am not in charge and be grateful that an omniscient and unconditionally loving God IS. He knows the end from the beginning, while I see through a glass, darkly. I know a few things. He knows all things. I am a flawed human being who makes mistakes on a daily basis; He is the risen Christ who never made a mistake in His life and has willingly atoned for every single one of mine.

That's why I will be watching the semi-annual General Conference of my church with special intensity this weekend. I will be listening for answers, admonitions, and special understandings that speak directly to my spirit and bring me the peace and acceptance I seek on these and other matters. I will remind myself that surely He hath borne my griefs and carried my sorrows, and I will reclaim the eternal perspective I need to trust in the Lord's timing over and above my own.

After all, God has trusted me with a few of His children's lives. Surely I can find the grace to return the favor.

And if not, I know where to seek it.

14 comments:

Cherie said...

Very well put Sue. I feel much the same way. The mother hen always fussing and making sure my chicks have the things I think they need but because they have their own lives I cannot provide certain things anymore - I have to go by faith.

General Conference will be wonderful - I am so looking forward to it!

Brian Miller said...

smiles. i hope you find your peace...and it is hard...esp when you have kids and they are involved...prayers....

Amy said...

Patience is such a hard thing to learn. Especially when it comes to others. I hope your children can learn the things He would have them learn so they can have those blessings. I think we often forget how important the learning is. The waiting itself teaches us things we could not learn otherwise.

I don't think I have ever been this excited for Conference before. Keith is now at an age where he listens better and picks things out when we listen to talk radio, or our television programs. I am going to make a game with him to help him listen to Conference. It is so exciting to watch them learn and grow. And even to get the answers for which we are seeking.

Farmer's Wyfe said...

What a heart-felt post. I can't imagine how it will be when my children are grown and I have to trust God in their lives without getting too caught up with what I want for them. That will be hard!!! I have such a hard time letting go and letting God. Prayers for you, my friend, and I hope you find great encouragement in your services this weekend!

Grandma Honey said...

You will find answers and if not, you will find peace. I always do when I watch conference. And at the close each and every 6 months, I feel a tinge of grief come over me that another conference has come to an end. I want to say, "Not yet. Please don't leave us yet."

I'll be thinking of you Sue. I wish I could be there to talk to you. I know your heart is heavy.

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

Sue, I always ask people with grown children--"How does mothering change as children grow older and grow up?" Most moms will tell me that you never stop worrying and that the issues surrounding the children just change as they grow.
My children are still young, but even at this age, I yearn for all that is best for them in this life. I know Our Heavenly Father understands our yearnings as He wishes the same for all of us.
As you know, I am not Mormon, but I am moved this day by all the beautiful words of my Mormon blogger friends regarding your General Conference this weekend. It's clear to me the power of the Holy Spirit is preparing you all for some heavenly perspective.

karen said...

As we make our way to SLC and conference LaMar and I spoke of you and your family. You'll all be in our prayers as we think of your concerns. And isn't it funny that we listen to conference with a myriad of problems and concerns - all of us different- and yet we always feel that our specific needs were addressed. It's like a small miracle that makes a major impact. ((HUGS))

Connie said...

I felt like I was reading my own thoughts and feelings when I read your post. Only you have a fabulous way with words.
We are so blessed but there are just these few items of concern that I always bring up to the Lord and wonder when He and I are going to be on the same time table. Hmmm, I guess I need to change my way of thinking.

Looking forward to Conference.

yaya said...

I'm very much looking forward to Conference this weekend. I'm sorry that your heart is troubled. I've repeated this statement many times: "You are only as happy as your saddest child"...atleast my heart is usually happiest when they have mastered adversity in their lives. I wish I could make everything good for them. Some troubles are their own choices come back to haunt them...some are just life. Hopefully your prayers are answered and peace is found.

Darlene said...

My concerns are your concerns and it is very difficult to understand why some things are the way they are. It is especially difficult when the ones we are concerned about are so deserving of the Lord's blessing. I wish I knew the answers. It is just so hard to be patient while waiting. I too look forward to Conference and pray that we can receive more understanding.

Jess said...

I know just how that is. I find myself in that same position frequently- except very selfishly wanting certain non-material blessings right now instead of waiting for the Lord's time table.

anitamombanita said...

amen.

Wendy said...

I look forward to tomorrow also. Here's to a sweet day to calm the soul. I hope that your "stew" will be taken care of. It is hard to turn off that burner in the mind at times.

Ⓙ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

It was as if you were journaling to God, himself, to all of us, and, most especially to me.

Talk about thought-provoking.

I've been working on this very thing for years and it's one of my greatest challenges, but He has a way of making His point, of teaching His lessons. He's got all the time in the world.

Geez, I'm jealous of the General Conference - a place to seek answers. Is it televised to you or is it something you attend?

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