Thoughts on Parenting

Mama Denton of Sanatorium fame has an interesting blog hop going on today. Jen has asked for her readers' thoughts about the most important things parents need to teach their kids. She wants to hear everyone's ideas about which principles will lead children to become productive, independent, spiritual adults. I've decided to answer her question, but please understand that what I say here must be placed in the context of my personal paradigm and religious views. I realize that my answers are unique to my experience and products of my own belief system.

(Hope that clears the air. Parents are sensitive people with minds of their own, and a fellow traveler can never be too careful, especially when she might seem to be spouting unsolicited advice!)

Okay. As it happens, my children are productive, independent, spiritual adults, so I should know the answer to this question, right? Oddly, however, the older I get the more I realize that my teaching techniques and agendas didn't have as much to do with that outcome as I once imagined. These people I call my children are forces to be reckoned with in their own right, and I think they pretty much came that way. As parents, our main contribution was to love them thoroughly and to anchor them in a family of our making, one that offered the security they needed to grow into all of that magnificent potential they brought with them.

Speaking of magnificent potential, I guess the most important thing parents teach their children is where and from Whom that magnificent potential comes. The understanding that they are not simply our children but the children of a loving Heavenly Father is essential to their growth as spiritual beings, and we have a responsibility to share what we know with them. With that in mind, I have spoken many words for many years to my sons and daughter about what I think and believe, but I'm convinced that most of what they have learned from me (good and bad, by the way) has come from watching what I do. Parenting is no exception to the adage that example is the best teacher, and actions really do speak louder than words.

In a perfect parenting world (one which none of us will ever inhabit, by the way), we cultivate our children's independence by stepping back where feasible and allowing them to develop that trait. We encourage their productivity by being productive ourselves and inviting them to join us at an early age, while they are still enthusiastic about doing so. We resist doing too much for them, respecting their right to experience the thrill and empowerment of doing things for themselves. We don't always catch them when they fall or keep them from falling in the first place, for it is the act of getting up that instills confidence and self esteem. We expect them to do good things, and we consistently take the time to apply consequences (positive and negative) that help them nurture their inherent goodness and master their inherent worldliness.

Mostly, we cultivate a sense of family belonging and identity that makes them want to be part of everything we do and are. (Note to parents: This means making sure that most of what we do and are is worthy of emulation.)As they realize that they can count on us, come what may, a natural desire to return the favor is instilled. Act by act, example by example, unity is built...and unity is a powerful force in good parenting.

Of course, children are free to choose, and some will make choices that bring them (and their loved ones) untold days, months, and even years of grief. In the darkest days, mothers and fathers would do well to remember how deeply the seeds of a strong family can be planted in the heart and spirit, so deeply that they are never fully eradicated. If you build a good family, your potential for building good children is sky-high.

Here's what I believe: Being the kind of person you want your children to be is usually a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sooner or later, on your preferred timetable or one that makes you want to scream with impatience and frustration, the seeds you plant will almost certainly sprout and bear fruit. In this life or the next, a well-loved child is likely to become the person he or she was meant to be...a son or daughter of God who acts the part.

(In the meantime, and in all of my inadequacies, it's always been a comfort to me that He loves them even more than I do...and far more perfectly.)

=)