Friday, December 30, 2011

A Most Embarrassing Predicament


Now and then I do something that is beyond embarrassing, and this story definitely qualifies. My husband, a close observer of my life and times for 41 years (45 if you count the dating), believes I have a unique ability to bring these things upon myself, but I still maintain that this experience could have happened to anyone...would have happened to anyone, under the same conditions. Particularly disturbing is the fact that my little mishap occurred one afternoon when the two of us were attending an elegant luncheon and team-building meeting for the most senior executives of his former employer. Dave had recently been made the new CFO, and both of us wanted to make a good impression.

We were seated in the large and lovely, private banquet room of a posh hotel, thoroughly enjoying ourselves. The food, company, and view were excellent, with every need anticipated by the type of waiter who somehow manages to fill your glass without interrupting the flow of conversation. Shortly before dessert, I excused myself to use the restroom. Not surprisingly, it was large and lovely too, with marble floors and counters. There were no stalls, just one gleaming throne in the center of the room, so I quickly locked the door, availed myself of a disposable seat cover, and prepared to get the job done.

My outfit that day was a silky black culotte, a style which was popular at the time. In purchasing the split-leg dress, it had never occurred to me that the logistics might be a little difficult. Still, it didn't take me long to realize that I would have to unzip the one-piece garment, pull the entire ensemble down as if it were a pair of slacks, then do my utmost to keep all that extra material from touching the bathroom floor. Ever resourceful, I managed to accomplish exactly that. Having taken care of business, I went to reassemble myself and realized that something rather...unfortunate...had occurred.

Apparently, while the highly misleading toilet seat was oval as oval could be, the porcelain base beneath it was round as a penny. In other words, the top seat overlapped the porcelain bowl by several inches, meaning that one had to sit back rather far to hit one's mark. Entirely unaware of this dynamic, and carefully perched towards the front of said seat whilst endeavoring to keep my dress off the ground, I had quite effectively soaked both my outfit and the floor. Nary a drop had landed in the bowl for which it was intended, and beneath me was one alarmingly depthy puddle (thanks, water-filling waiter!) and one sopping wet piece of apparel. I was horrified and amused at the same time, laughing and panicking all at once. How was I going to get myself out of this mess without anyone being the wiser?

As I began frantically wiping up the floor with the seat covers (there were no paper towels in the room at all...just those linen, scented ones), one of the wives in my party knocked on the door. "Just a minute," I yelled as sweetly as possible, continuing to clean desperately. (May I mention that toilet seat covers are somewhat less than absorbent?) (And TP squares are smaller than you think??) But I pressed on, wishing as never before for a mop. Or a sweater. Or even a plush towel.

Once I finished that task (I'm still not sure how I did it), I ran the culotte dress over to the sink. Operating at warp speed, I washed the entire thing in soap and water, wringing it out as dry as possible. Amazingly, the material was such a shiny, silky polyester that it didn't even look wet. Of course, having to put it back on felt pretty uncomfortable, but I was so happy to have the matter taken care of that I didn't mind the cold clamminess at all. In fact, a wave of relief that could only be described as smug self-satsified engulfed me. Once again, I had beaten the odds, emerging unscathed from a dilemma of infinite proportions.

I opened the door to the waiting woman (actually women, now, because more had come) and tried to act natural. It wasn't easy, but I think I pulled it off. When I was seated once again next to my husband for dessert, I couldn't resist the urge to lean over and share my experience. "I just went to the bathroom all over my dress," I whispered nonchalantly.

To my disappointment, he didn't even look surprised. (Truth is, I'm kind of an accident waiting to happen.)

But I always seem to come out smelling like a rose.

Or in this case, like pina colada Softsoap.

;)

29 comments:

Brian Miller said...

hahaha i would love to have seen his face when you said that...smiles....

VK said...

Just don't anyone touch me or you may get wet?
Pretty funny, glad it is a memory.

Momza said...

oh my, Sue! I can just see it all--your descriptions are so good. I would've been frantic. Way to go, Woman!

Barbara F. said...

I often worry about something like this happening to me! Glad you were able to fix it. xo

Karen Mortensen said...

That was amazing. Good for you. I would probably have stood there and cried.

anitamombanita said...

oh my oh my. beware the elongated seat!! heehee.

anitamombanita said...

ps. my biggest fear is always the dress tucked inadvertently into the top of the pantyhose!!

Cherie said...

I am laughing because I could picture the whole thing from your very good description and, what is more, I am the type of woman who does this stuff too. Glad I am not the only one.
Glad you made it out in one piece Ha Ha).
Definately a very funny memory now!!!

Tima said...

OMG, I can't stop laughing. Great desciption.

Stacy Crawford said...

Now, that was lucky.

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! Kudos to you for surviving that! I would have died, for sure!

Terra said...

oh that so could have been me. Ugh...I can relate.

yaya said...

Isn't great how time really does heal all wounds and embarrassing moments?! I would relate embarrassing moments from my life on my blog, but nothing really has happened to me...unless you count..well, never mind...Happy New Year Sue!

karen said...

Oh man - sorry to laugh, but that sounds like something that would happen to me. LaMar has learned to just shake his head (while his shoulders are going up and down as he laughs). It's nice to have a friend who has a penchant for the embarrassing moment along with me.

Vicki/Jake said...

Funny Sue! And quite noble of you:)

Pondside said...

Oh my goodness, Sue - that beats my falling-asleep-on-a-pile-of-rugs-in-Home-Depot story by a long shot!!
Pina Colada isn't a bad way to smell!

Garden of Egan said...

Oh my goodness!!!!!!!!!
That is the BEST story ever. I love that you shared it.

I hope you have a fabulous New Years!

Polly Janos said...

Oh Sue...you crack me up!

Myrna Foster said...

Wow. That is such a great story. I love you matter-of-fact solution.

Myrna Foster said...

you = your

Dixie Mom said...

Oh my! I think many of us can relate to that dilemma...although not at a party!

Grandma Yellow Hair said...

Oh my goodness I am so happy you shared this with us because it is of course as you know something I would do but never would I have come away smelling good. hahaha
I was picturing you in the bathroom washing the outfit. I thought you were going to say when you went out and sat down water started dripping around your chair. hahaha
Glad it turned out the way it did.
Happy New Year dear sweet friend.
Looking forward to enjoying more of you writing in 2012.
Love ya
Maggie

BECKY said...

Sue, I'm pretty sure that beats just about any of my crazy stories...except for just one! I'll have to tell you about it in an e-mail, because I definitely won't leave it in a comment! :o

Wendy said...

You have grace. I would have been mortified and not come back to the table.

blessedmom's simple home said...

My hand went over my mouth about halfway through in an attempt to contain my outburst of laughter as I realized where this story was going. You made me truly laugh out loud :) This was so fun to read.
We are two peas in a pod, you and I. You'll have to go back in my Life Stories" archive sometime and read my "Life's Embarrassing Moments" and you'll know what I mean :)
Happy New Years dear Sue!
Blessings,
Marcia

Ames said...

You are a very clever and crafty woman, and to come out smelling like the bathroom hand soap after all that. Slick! I wonder how many women after you had the same problem!~Ames :)

Darlene said...

Oh Sue, I honestly don't remember you telling me that story. What a dilema, and you came out smelling like a rose, or at least like pina colada. I wish you could have heard me laugh. I haven't laughed like that in a very long time. I can so picture myself in that moment. You're a genius when it comes to describing scenes. Maybe you should have been a playright. Actually, it was quite amazing that you were level headed enough to do what you did. Not too many women would be able to handle a situation like that. One more reason to admire you.

Grandma Honey said...

The best part of this story is that your husband wasn't even surprised! :)

I think your resourcefulness comes from being a Mom. We learn how to adapt to anything...even wearing wet clothing that smells like pina colada!

Mormon Women: Who We Are said...

OK, you are just smart. That's all I can say. I definitely would have been at a loss, and dissolved in a puddle of tears on top of -- ahem -- everything else.

And you need to show your hubby these comments so he can see that there are many of us who also seem to be accident-prone.

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