Unsolicited Advice from an Old-Style Mom

I begin this post with a disclaimer. What I'm talking about today does not apply to every mother, so if the shoe doesn't fit, please feel free to kick it off and move on. The woman I'm speaking to is the one trudging wearily along in parenting shoes that are pinching a bit too much at the heels and toes. For these, I suggest that it might be possible to stretch those tight tootsies out a little.

I'm sure all of you know by now that I'm staying with my sister this week. Yesterday, we got a distress call from her daughter, frantically relaying the parenting situation of one of her friends and asking for advice. Apparently, this young woman has a 4-month-old baby who wakes up four times a night and feeds every two hours all day long. Needless to say, Mom is at the end of her rope. She is feeling like a failure and teetering on the edge of exhaustion.

Her plight has moved me to share a few thoughts about parenting, a subject I generally avoid unless asked. After all, whatever works for a given mom or family is their own business, and my parenting theories (yes, I do have them!) might be construed as criticism. I'd hate for that to happen, because today’s mothers work harder at that job than any I have ever seen.

Okay (deep breath), here goes: The thing is, I think many of the young moms I see are working too hard, harder than those of my generation did…and I suggest that what they expect of themselves is unreasonable. Or maybe I should say, what they are allowing their children to expect of them is unreasonable.

I do not fault the mothers at all for this situation. They are following current parenting theories, carefully doing what is recommended by pediatricians and psychologists in increasing numbers. Having said that, I remain highly skeptical of these “new” parenting techniques (skepticism shared by more than a few women my age), and the evidence around me fails to prove otherwise. I see a lot of moms giving everything they have and then some to their kids, 24 hours a day, every day. They are loving parents...dedicated, devoted parents...who are running on or even below empty, with sleep deficits that won't quit. Having been placed squarely at the mercy of their children's every whim by so-called "experts" who confuse establishing reasonable boundaries with "stifling," these beleaguered parents are simply not free to relax and enjoy their children as I remember doing. Even worse, the prevailing mantra of "free expression" is translating into kids whose behavior can only be described as demanding, self-centered, and entitled.

Of course, children come that way automatically…They are children, after all, and they are born thinking the world is all about them. What’s more, they are right, at first. They want what they want when they want it, and for the initial few weeks (maybe the first three months or so), they need what they want when they want it. And that’s as it should be.

But here’s where I see the “new” parenting and the parenting “as my friends and I did it” part ways. It used to be that when a child was three months old, the mother began to differentiate between when the baby truly needed her and when the baby just thought he needed her. In other words, if the baby was fed and dry and well-rested but still crying, the mother would elect not to run over and pick the baby up every time. This decision wasn’t because she was mean or lazy or selfish, and it was hard (then, as now) for a mom to do, but we were specifically taught that the baby would be gaining valuable knowledge by learning that sometimes he needed to rely upon his own resources to entertain or soothe himself. We were encouraged to simply make eye contact with our baby, smile, and reassure him that “You’re okay. Mommy’s here, but she’s doing the dishes”…or “tending to your sister”…or whatever.

Letting a baby cry was more “okay” then. Crying is what babies do. After all, they can’t speak, right? So the crying is not in and of itself a bad thing. It’s a communication, pure and simple. Sometimes a baby is protesting because that baby thinks it needs to be held and entertained every minute of every day and into the night. After all, it’s fun to be held and entertained and loved on….but ALL of the time, on demand, is neither realistic nor reasonable. In fact, I propose that it’s not even helpful. I mean, life goes on, right? And there are other people in the family with needs, too. But the baby doesn’t automatically realize this. He cries. He gets mad. He may even throw a fit. And that’s okay if he does. He still needs to be taught that sometimes it’s all right, even good, for him to entertain and nurture himself. (Not most of the time, mind you, but some of the time.) Before long, the baby learns how to please himself and becomes a happier, more adaptive and competent child as a result. Self-esteem ensues, REAL self esteem, not the trumped-up (fragile) kind that comes from too many undeserved compliments (another issue of mine). And not the grandiosity (dependent upon external factors) that comes from constant subjugation of everyone else’s needs to his.

The truth is, learning to depend upon oneself sometimes is a good thing. It’s called independence, and some kinds of independence can and should be learned at a very young age, when children are most easily taught and before entitlement and its underlying over-dependence upon others for well-being sets in. Becoming self-reliant is a gift parents can help their children receive.

And that brings us to the issue of sleep, which I will address tomorrow, in part two of this overlong essay. Again, take what you like and leave the rest. This is only one (admittedly oldish and moldyish) person's opinion...

=)