Unrest in America

U is for "unrested," and when I speak of unrest in America, I'm not referring to the civil variety. Nope, I'm speaking of a whole different subject, one that's on my mind today because of a phone conversation with my niece, whose best friend is about as unrested as it gets.

Many of the young moms I know today are sleep-deprived, and so are their children. I was sleep-deprived too, of course, but only until my babies were two or three months old and considered "ready" (according to old-time parenting policies) to sleep through the night. These policies; endorsed by my mom, my grandma, and the dear old docs they consulted; ensured that the vast majority of babies did manage to get a full night's sleep, without parental guilt or recrimination. As a devout dozer, I'm thankful to have been born into my particular generation...one of the last that felt entitled to some shame-free shut-eye! There is a down side, though. I will be turning 59 this year. ;)

But I digress. What I wanted to share with any young moms who might be interested (and I won't be offended if you think I've lost my marbles and decide to run the other direction so you don't trip on them) is this: The prevailing wisdom in my day was that babies needed to develop patterns of self-soothing, creating for themselves a going-to-sleep mechanism. Mothers were instructed to feed the baby, sing to the baby, tell the baby a story (in other words, establish a night-time ritual) and then put the baby in his bed…saying good night, lovingly tucking him in, walking out, and closing the door...never to return until morning's light. During this initial training period (never more than a week and usually just a couple of days), the baby often cried, mistakenly believing he needed mommy to come pick him up more than he needed a good night's rest. Some infants got mad enough to wail loud and hard, protesting crib-time because they still wanted to play. While more playtime was what these babies thought they needed, their real need was bedtime and 11 or 12 renewing hours of sleep. Heck we all need that, right? (Admittedly not 12 hours, but 7 or 8 is required by most.) We are, after all, only human...and the physiology of our species is what it is.

At any rate, given the opportunity (and a parent that embraced the concept), in less than a week the baby not only learned to take that good night’s sleep for himself but knew how to achieve the blissful state on his own. Some cuddled with a toy or a blanket, others played with their hair, but all learned how to go to sleep without assistance. And this was a good thing, because mommy was well-rested, and so were they. Which, by the way, makes a big difference when it comes to daytime behavior. Truth is, sometimes a mother shows her love best by NOT doing something the baby wants. Because sometimes, the baby needs the opposite of what he is demanding. Of course, this notion seems to run adrift of the prevailing (psychologist-driven) parenting philosophies today, as discussed in my post on Wednesday.

Question: Do you think babies born and raised under the "new" parenting techniques are psychologically healthier as a result of following the purportedly sage advice of today's self-appointed baby gurus? Does having a PhD by your name make you a wise well of knowledge about sleep training? (Reading the next paragraph may help you deduce my own answer to that query.) Hint: I think the best counsel comes from moms and grandmas who have healthy, well-adjusted kids and lots of hands-on experience.

There was an article in the Wall Street Journal recently that spoke of the disturbing increase in insomnia and sleep disorders among children and young people in our country. Simply put, increasing numbers of them don't know how to sleep without aid(s). They have not learned to develop normal sleep patterns. Sadly, studies have shown that these kids are at increased risk for various forms of mental illness and behavior disorders. Something's gotta give here.

You may have guessed by now that I think those parenting pundits and psychologists who have thrown out sleep-training methods that worked well for many generations (in favor of expecting a baby or toddler to automatically do what's "best" for them if given free reign) are at least partially to blame for the sleep problems of our youngsters. Constantly going into the room to check on, soothe, or (worse still) feed a baby in his or her crib at night merely trains that child to cry until the same pay-off occurs every night, and sometimes multiple times. That's just the way it works...behavior modification, pure and simple...and not the kind of behavior modification a sleepy mom wants!

Self-determination is an excellent thing, in its place, but so is recognition that others in the family have rights and needs, too. Sleep happens to be one of these...even for parents (who, by the way, deserve the opportunity to wield some authority in their own homes). Taking charge, after all, is their stewardship...and should not be ceded to an infant...the family member with the least developed intelligence and life experience. Parents need to be pack leaders, not bedraggled, sleep-seeking followers. And guess what? Baby will be happier, too!

Just my opinion, of course. (And I am Dr. nobody.)

;)

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